Welcome – A.L.O.H.A.

Welcome and ALOHA. Thank you for visiting my new website. I hope you will derive some pleasure and insight from reading my articles and decide to join me in one of my forthcoming presentations, workshops, and retreats to unlock your relational intelligence.

In today’s article I want to share my thoughts about asking questions. My life experiences have taught me that asking questions underpinned by kindness and mutual respect is very important for staying connected and creating and maintaining healthy relationships in any context and at any stage in our lives.

Asking questions helps to establish and re-establish connections with ourselves and others, none more so than people we treasure most highly.

As a reminder I have created a little tool I call A.L.O.H.A. It reflects the Hawaiian spirit of Aloha, capturing the values of love, peace, unity, compassion, and kindness.

A.L.O.H.A. helps me to stay in the moment, especially in times of pressure. It reminds me that I do not know what other people might feel, think, need, and desire at any given time. It tells me to remain an empathetic witness and ask with kindness for others to share what is on their mind and in their heart.

Sadly, given the busy and complex lives most of us lead, it is tempting to assume we know and jump to conclusions based on our own life experiences and the way we view the world. Rather than paying attention to the realities of the moment and other people’s personal experiences and perspectives, we react in response to our own subjective feelings, needs, and interpretations.

When we feel stressed, our behavioural pattern might be to try and fix things if not fight or flee, which are recognised ways to avoid or appease our own unquestioned uncomfortable emotions and feelings. This might give us a sense of control at that time. Yet, this is generally short-lived and undermines the connections and healthy relationships we are seeking.

Have you recently stopped and asked yourself the following questions:

• What kind of behaviour do I generally resort to when I find myself in uncomfortable and stressful emotional episodes?
• Do I jump to conclusions and act out of fear instead of listening and acting from a loving heart connection?

The reality is that most of us have not been taught to tune into our own feelings and needs, our own thoughts, and the stories we tell ourselves, not to mention others. Most of us have not been taught to look at our automatic reactions, especially in times of stress. We have not learnt to mindfully look below the surface.

Briefly pause and ask yourself the following questions:

• Have I taken some time out to ask myself why I react and act the way I do, especially when under pressure?
• Have I stopped to look beyond the superficial and explored alternative viewpoints and options?
• Have I dared to care and connect with who I am and who I aspire to be in all my relationships?

The reality is that most of us have not been encouraged to spend quality time to introspect and reflect, to explore our relationships and the ways we interact. We have not been taught to consider our reaction and actions in our relational lives and their impact on others and the health of our relationships.

In our culture, there is a growing focus on the individual without considering the importance of the relationships in our lives. There is an emphasis on self-care and emotional self-regulation yet not enough appreciation of the fact that we are co-creators in all our relationships. We all, in some way or another, contribute to the relational biosphere in which we live. This is often forgotten in times of stress and our interactions with others, including with people we cherish highly.

Once again, take a moment and ask yourself:

• Have I stopped and looked at the emotional dynamics in my relationships?
• Have I explored my triggers at times of stress, or, on the other hand, the glimmers at times of happiness in my relationships?
• Have I considered the style of communication I draw on during times of upheaval in comparison to times of harmony?

When we find ourselves in the emotional turmoil of the moment, we easily succumb to old ways of thinking and old ways of doing that alienate us from each other. Our unquestioned ways of doing and being can quickly lead from harmony to disharmony and rupture in all our relationships, those of not only romantic but also platonic nature.

Again, ask yourself:

• Have I been curious and appreciative of my own limits and boundaries and those of others?
• Have I taken the courage to lean in and lean out in respect of each other’s relational space and energy?
• Have I been curious and courageous to connect and reconnect with a willingness and commitment to repair relationships that I deep down treasure?

Without asking questions we remain prisoners of ourselves, enclaved by the walls of our unquestioned beliefs, our cultural conditioning and emotional guiding patterns. With greater relational intelligence, each one of us can build bridges across the chasm of disconnect and loneliness that has become a reality for a growing number of people.

Let us dare to care and connect and nourish healthy relationships in the spirit of Aloha.

With love, Birgit