Relational CORE Fitness – A.L.O.H.A.

A.L.O.H.A. – at the Heart of Relational CORE Fitness.

I would like to introduce you to a little tool I have created, called A.L.O.H.A. It reflects the Hawaiian spirit of Aloha, capturing the values of love, peace, unity, compassion, and kindness, which are at the heart of Relational CORE Fitness.

A – Ask without assumptions to foster greater awareness, understanding, insight and rewarding connections.

L – Listen with love, longing to hear what is alive in us and others hidden beneath the mask of protection.

O –Observe with an open mind to see the world from different perspectives, through the lens of love.

H – Honour with humility the feelings and needs of others while  tuning in and paying attention to our own.

A – Ask again and again to act out of love and not out of fear, remaining deeply connected heart to heart.

A.L.O.H.A. helps me stay in the moment, especially during times of pressure and in situations where assumptions might jump into the driver’s seat of interactions. It encourages me to pause and focus on being in the moment, to connect with a caring mind and a thoughtful heart.

It reminds me to observe open-mindedly, validate feelings, and ask meaningful questions to make the other person feel heard, seen, and valued. At the same time, A.L.O.H.A. is also my inner voice, telling me to connect with myself and pay attention to what is happening within me and the relationship. It helps me to stay attuned to what is alive in me and others, the longing and the pain below the surface.

A.L.O.H.A. tells me to be an empathetic witness and listen to what is and what is not being said.

My life experiences have taught me that asking questions helps to establish and re-establish connections with others, and importantly, also with ourselves.  When we ask questions underpinned by curiosity, courage, and kindness with a commitment to individual, relational, and collective well-being, we show that we care, that we are interested in meaningful connections and healthy relationships.

Sadly, given the busy and complex lives most of us lead, it is easy to rush in and act on old, unquestioned habits of interactions. We assume we know and jump to conclusions based on our experiences and worldviews. Rather than paying attention to the realities of the moment and other people’s personal experiences and perspectives – their longing and their pain – we react based on our subjective feelings, needs, and interpretations.

One of our human frailties is the fact that we go into self-protective mode when we witness and experience unsettling emotions. After all, it is hard to accept the derailing feelings of being out of control.

When we feel stressed, our behavioural pattern might be to try and fix things, if not fight or flee, which are recognised ways to avoid or appease our uncomfortable emotions and feelings. This might give us a sense of control at that time. Yet, this is generally short-lived and undermines the connections and healthy relationships we seek.

Briefly, take a moment and ask yourself the following questions?

• What kind of behaviour do I generally resort to when I find myself in uncomfortable and stressful emotional episodes?
• Do I jump to conclusions and act out of fear instead of listening and acting from a loving heart connection?

The reality is that most of us have not been taught to tune into our feelings and needs, our thoughts, and the stories we tell ourselves. Most of us have not been taught to look at our automatic reactions and protective mechanisms, especially at times of stress. We have not learnt to look below the surface and look for any hidden connections between our behaviour and our thoughts and feelings, the stories we hear and the stories we tell ourselves.

Once again, pause and ask yourself:

• Have I asked myself why I react and act like I do when I feel overwhelmed or when I have fallen in love?
• Have I dared to care and connect with who I am and who I aspire to be, as an individual and as part of relationships?
• Have I stopped to look and explore alternative viewpoints and options?

The reality is that most of us have not been encouraged to spend quality time reflecting and introspecting, exploring the ways we interact in our relationships. We have not been taught to consider our reactions and actions and their impact on others and the health of our relationships.

In our culture, there is a growing focus on the individual without considering the quality of our relational lives, at micro and macro levels. We benefit from not ignoring the socio-cultural, economic, and ecological upheavals and insecurities on our personal relationships and our sense of wellbeing.

There is an emphasis on self-care and emotional self-regulation, yet not enough appreciation of the fact that we are co-creators in all our relationships. We co-regulate our emotions without really being aware of it. We all, in some way or another, contribute to the biosphere of our relationships, in our private and public lives.

Again, take a moment and ask:

• Have I stopped and looked at the relational dynamics in my relationships?
• Have I explored my triggers at times of stress or, on the other hand, the glimmers at times of happiness in my relationships?
• Have I considered the style of communication I draw on, especially during times of upheaval in comparison to times of harmony?

When we find ourselves in the emotional turmoil of the moment, we easily succumb to old ways of thinking and old ways of doing that alienate us from each other. Our unconscious ways of reacting and being in the moment can quickly lead from harmony to disharmony and rupture in all our relationships, those of not only romantic but also platonic nature – with our family, friends, and co-workers.

Again, ask yourself:

• Have I been curious and appreciative of limits, honoured healthy boundaries, my own and those of others?
• Have I taken the courage to lean in and lean out in respect of each other’s relational space and energy?
• Have I been curious, courageous and committed to connect and reconnect with a willingness to repair and rejuvenate relationships that I deep down treasure?

Without asking questions, we remain prisoners of ourselves, cut off by the walls of our unquestioned beliefs, our cultural conditioning, and our emotional guiding patterns. With Relational CORE Fitness, each one of us can build bridges across the chasm of disconnect and loneliness that has become a reality for a growing number of people around the world.

Let us dare to care and connect, and reconnect in the spirit of ALOHA.

With love,

Birgit